by James Bridges
The mirror talks in slow motion. He wants to be seen. He wants to be heard. Blurred. I can’t see. He’s screaminging and jumping with his arms in the air. Still blurred.
Faceless.
Silence.
I have to face this as we all do. This overwhelming fear of the unknown. This spirit crushing form of resistance we all know too well.
The fear of finding oneself.
He was tall. He looked like a biker. A badass. The “boss” of the kids that rode in the back of the bus. Yeah. That bad motherfuc*er.
He wore a black leather jacket. He had greasy black hair. Picture Judd Nelson from, “The Breakfast Club”. The black fingerless gloves and all. I looked up to him and he didn’t know it.
I wanted to be him. The idea of him. I wanted the motorcycle, the free flowing roads, the kick ass bar fights, the anti-establishment marches, the “criminal” activities, and the women that this “idea” had. So I tried.
This little square kid from Oklahoma actually loved each and everything that he has been able to try. My quest to be like “him” was only one of many desires. I have been in a couple of kick ass bar fights, however the more adventurous “criminal” activities may have only been through a TV screen.
It changed me. At that time I was scared. I was scared to be different. I was scared to be him. But I made myself. I started acting like him. I started dressing like him. I even started listening to the same music. I fell in love with it.
I saw something that I wanted and I didn’t care what others thought was popular. I knew what I thought should be popular. So I went for it.
Our lives are filled with characters that we must play in order to appease the masses. However there’s only one character that matters most.
For those of us that are still in search of that true self by diving back into the past…stop. Consider this:
You are now at a threshold and you can either walk through or pass by. Once you pass that threshold, pause. Look back once. Look back two years ago. Now take a look at your thoughts and memories of how you might have felt during that period. If you look at yourself now you will realize that it’s been you this entire time. You’ve just been on a journey.
Sometimes, if we stop searching, our “self” will let us know there really was nothing to fear in the first place.
……still searching